- [Marcus] We'd like to apply for a loan, please.
- [Bank Manager] I see, and what size loan are you looking for?
- 7,000 denari, ideally.
It's for our bar, The Crown and Toga.
We want to do a bit of a refurb.
- Okay, and what's the nature of the refurbishment?
- Two words: Beach bar!
- Is one of the ideas we're toying with, yes.
- Or, two more words: Freak Show.
- Love it. - And that's
literally never been mentioned.
- Picture a carnival of weirdos.
- No, don't picture that, that's not,
we're much more into the beach idea.
- We're thinking cocktails, bean bags, girls in bikinis.
- A bearded baby, a six-legged man.
- Will not be there.
Even if they did exist.
- Well, either way, your turnover
won't reconcile to forecast.
- Nope, no idea what that means.
- You don't have any customers.
- Yes, because we need a refurb!
- Or because of poor management?
- Oh, just grow a pair and give us the money.
- It's not simple as that.
- Just give us the money.
Ewe us the money
(minim)
- What does that bell mean?
Is that you giving us the money, or?
You've called security, haven't you?
- I have, yes. (upbeat music)
# Yeah, when in Rome #
# Do as the Romans do #
# Far from home #
# All I got is you #
- Eh, it's not Grumicfs fault McGuire was a total spod.
- No, but it is his fault our business plan included
a six legged man, whatever the fuck that is.
- Exactly what it sounds like.
- So, I'm guessing they said no?
- We got booted out by security.
So, they didn't really have to.
Either way, our bold new bid to the year
in punters may have to wait.
- [Man] Green Army!
- Oh, lovely, Chariot fans.
Every bloody match day, they get steaming drunk
and cover the place in flob and sexism.
- [Man] Show us your tits, darling!
- The zoo knows you've escaped, does it?
- Yeah, don't speak to my bird like that please, fellas?
(scoffs) Dear, bloody neanderthals.
- I'm sorry, bird?
- Yeah, just using their lingo.
- I'm not your bird, Marcus.
- No, sure, I meant girlfriend.
- I'm not your girlfriend either!
- Well, what do you want me to call you then?
- How about woman you've been on a few dates with
who runs the business next door to yours?
- All right, glad we cleared that up.
- She is right, you know.
They really are puttin' it away.
K "Wig mam) (I)
Are you sure there's not a pink team?
Or like one in a pastel shade?
Green's not really my colour!
- It is now, mate.
- I got some gear for the bar too.
A green banner, some flags, a bibby.
- What's a bibby for?
- Well a baby, or when I have soup.
- That'll be 430 denari.
- 430, for a bit of cloth?
- It's official club merchandise.
- Hm, and is there a discount, perhaps?
For lifelong Greenies like ourselves?
- No, and nobody says Greenies, by the way.
- Good to know.
Put the bibby back in the case, Grumio.
- Aw, I really wanted that bibby.
(WWW)
- Are you sure we want sports-mad trolls in here?
It could all get a bit full-on.
- If full-on means full, that is fine by me.
Right now, we don't have a single customer.
- We got Weird OI' Phoenix.
- Weird OI' Phoenix isn't a customer.
All he does is drink our water and use our loo.
Basalt-fly mm
All right, Phoenix, how's the novel coming along?
- Slowly.
Terribly slowly. - Yeah?
How 'bout a nice glass of wine to speed things up a bit?
- Hm, interesting!
Grease the wheels as it were!
But, no, thank you, let's stay focused.
Maybe just a top up of water, if you would?
- Come on, you Greens.
(WWW)
- What's the name of our most expensive signing?
- Alexis Fulco, seven and a half million.
Where did we get him from?
- The Reds, he used to be scum, new he's a legend.
- What's his prematch meal, Marcus?
- Who cares, that is not gonna come up.
All we have to do to blend in is make obscene gestures
and shout wanker occasionally.
- The answer's actually meat pie.
- [Man] You want some, you toilet, yeah!
- Is that our geeky bank manager?
- Where? - Over there
with the Blue fans, knocking that guy out.
- Yep, 'cause that's just what geeky bank mangers get up to.
He's probably on his way to throw shit at a temple.
- I swear that's him.
- Come on, I quite fancy a pre-match meat pie myself.
Green Army. - Green Army!
(upbeat music)
- [Man] Green Army!
- [All] Green Army!
- Green Army! (upbeat music)
- They were the cheapest seats I could find.
I didn't know we'd be in the family bit.
- 'Cause this definitely isn't
where the hardcore drinkers sit.
- Not unless you count milk.
- Eh, it's all right, come on then.
- Green Army! - Green Army!
- Green Army!
- Did someone order a fruit basket
'cause three plums have just shown up!
- Very funny, we're not plums, though!
We're Greeners, like you!
- If anything we're green plums!
Greengages, if you will!
- Yeah, well I ain't seen you before.
- Eh, that's weird, we're here every week!
- Oi, Paulus, you seen these plums before?
- Nope, never, who are they?
- Dunno, saying they're Greeners.
- We are, we're massive Greeners!
- All right, you lot are here so much,
who did we play last week?
- Easy, that'd be the Whites.
- We won by three and a half laps.
- Yeah, smashed 'em, the wankers, wankers!
- And you, what'd you make of Leo?
God, he was on fire, weren't he, eh?
- Oh yeah, Leo played a blinder, absolutely immense.
- Leo's out mascot.
- No, I know, but you know, he was still immense.
As a mascot. - Jog on, ya plums.
- Ta ta.
- One of our players eats pies before a race,
[Mar-mt
(WWW)
- Wow, you muffed that, didn't ya?
- And you muffed our loan application, so we're even!
It was a stupid idea, anyway, let's go home.
- We're not just going home, mate.
We gotta win these aggro-numpties over.
I've got the cheeky charm.
- Hm, okay, I mean, I've never noticed that.
- You just got to tickle their balls,
give 'em a bit of banter.
Oi, oi, ladies! - You what, ladies?
Want a fuckin' sandal up your ass, do ya?
- No, no thank you, sorry.
- Nah, just wondering what you wankers are doing now?
- Same as we do after every match,
few bevvies at The Grapes.
- The Grapes, do people still drink there?
You wanna come to our gaff, mate, The Crown and Toga.
It's where all the proper Greeners drink.
- You trying to say we're not proper Greeners?
That's a bit rich coming
from a bunch of two bob lemony slags like you lot.
- (laughs) Two bob lemony slags, are you having a laugh?
We're the real deal!
- Course you are, babe.
- All right, get a load of this.
(upbeat music) Ay, ay (blows raspberry)!
K mm»
' GO on, boy!
- [Men] Hey!
“Ma:
“ma:
(men laugh)
- That's it, all right.
# Green until I die #
# I know I am, I'm sure I am #
# I'm green until I die #
- Decent little gaff you got here to be fair, Marcus.
Kitted out nice.
- Yeah, well, we've had all this clobber up
for years, of course.
- Then you'll know that flag's arse about tit.
- Ah. - We love you, Greens!
We do! Oh Greens we love you!
- Aurelius, flip that flag over!
The lion's upside down, you prat!
- Yeah I'm a bit busy right now, serving wine
to genuinely some of the worst people on earth.
- Yeah and some of the thirstiest people on earth!
I can't pour this stuff fast enough!
- This is what having a successful bar feels like, boys!
Just get used to it.
At this rate, we'll have to hire more staff!
- Excuse me, Marcus!
Would you ask the chaps in green
to quiet it down a bit, please?
I'm trying to write my novel!
- Weirdly, Phoenix, your novel's not my top priority here!
We're a wine bar for sports fans.
Not a water bar for leaky bladdered cheapskates.
If you've got a problem with that, you can jog on, son.
- I'm 75, I'm not jogging anywhere.
- Flush yourself down the loo, then, I really don't care.
What can I get you, mate?
- He's short, he's fast, he likes to show his ass!
- [All] It's Grumio!
[firumie
- Are these not the same Chariot fans you described
as bloody neanderthals the other day?
- They are, yes, but now I've met them!
And, I have to say, the Greens are a really terrific bunch,
genuinely, good hearted, considerate people.
- They pissed all over my shopfront.
- They're a bit rough around the edges, sure!
They like a drink!
Anyway, I thought urine was useful for your laundry process?
- Not when it's streaked all up the wall, it's not!
And I can't do much with vomit.
'MM.
Aurelius, clean up the vomit as well please, mate.
- Yeah, it's just making me a bit queasy.
- They also appear to have painted a dog on my door?
- It's a lion, actually, their mascot, Leo.
- Yeah, I don't care!
I don't want it there, is my point.
- All right, I'll have it painted over!
In fact, painting the whole door green
might stop this happening again.
- Or, you could just not have the green pricks
in your bar at all, that might also stop it.
- No can do, sorry.
We poured a lot of money into these green pricks,
so I kind of need to put my business before my relationship
with a not-girlfriend?
I'll handle it, okay?
Aurelius will clean up their mess.
(Aurelius grunts)
And his own mess.
(upbeat music)
- [Men] Green Army, Green Army!
Green Army, Green Army!
# When we are on our own stream together #
# When we are down our roads #
- Green Army! - Green Army!
# Together now #
q calm)
- That was nice.
(men shout) (men cheer)
- No matter how hectic it gets, just keep serving.
Maybe let's pre-pour some drinks, in fact.
= .
- And just so you know, you will get called some rude names.
We're talking mug, melt, muppet, helmet, ugly bitch,
minge face, bearded nonce.
- Yeah, I think those last few were just for you.
- Okay, we're on, brace yourselves.
Green Army, welcome, boys, in you come!
- Glass of wine please, minge face, Grumio?
- Just a bowl of nuts.
- Sorry, where is everyone?
- They weren't really feeling it.
- Why not, out of interest?
- 'Cause we got dumped out the cup, didn't we?
We weren't exactly in the mood for having it large.
- Ah, chin up, kid, there's always next season, eh?
- We live in hope. - Sorry, next season?
- Yeah when the cup starts over again.
- So we don't get any more games now?
- When you're out, you're out,
that's how the cup works, silly bollocks.
- No, I know, I know that.
Just remind me, when is next season again?
- End of August.
' August, right!
And, it's, February, now.
So, that's-- - About six months.
Yeah, the Blues'll probably go on and win it now.
- (scoffs) Scum, still, we had a decent run, didn't we?
- Didn't we just?
What a bloody good run we had.
(MW) Fm, (WI-mi: mm)
- But I've only just put them all up!
- And now you have to take em all down.
There's not much point being a sports bar
if there's no sports for six months, is there?
- Okay, someonas just had a sweet idea.
- Please not the beach bar, again.
- Nah, not that, just hear me out!
The Greens got knocked out of the cup, but not everyone did.
- Yeah, that's how a cup works, silly bollocks.
- Right, and Paulus said the Blues will probably win it.
So why don't we just become a Blue bar instead?
Have a cheeky rebrand?
- A rebrand, are you tugging me testicles?
- That is actually one of your less shit ideas, Jason.
- Cheers, bro.
- We're Greeners!
We can't just change colour like some fruity fuckin' lizard!
- Well, I think we can.
In fact, I can feel us turning blue right now!
- Where's your loyalty?
You bloody glory gobblers.
- You've been to like two games, mate.
- So what?
The Greeners respect me, unlike you two.
With you it's always, pipe down Grumio,
forget your freak show, put your bibby back,
be green, be blue.
- Well, yeah, if you would.
- I won't, and if this place is going blue,
I'm having nothing more to do with it!
Swank
- Clean that up, will you Aurelius,
once you're done with that?
Hello, again.
We'd like to return these items,
and exchange them for those ones, please.
- Oh, I thought you were lifelong Greenies?
- Hah, we were, but circumstances changed
and now we're lifelong Blueies.
- Plus, blue is a much better colour for my skin tone.
- Right, that's not how most people pick a team.
- Well, I'm not most people.
- Either way, we don't do exchanges.
- Aw, this is gonna cost us pretty much everything we made!
- All right, well, we can get rid
of this trivia book for starters.
- How're we gonna get in with the fans
without wading through the painfully dull history
of their club?
- We take a shortcut, obviously.
(WWW)
- Oh, hi, if you want a meeting,
you have to make an appointment.
- Nah, there's no need for that, Nige.
I just wanted to let you know
that I saw you the other day.
- Yes, I know, I had to call security.
- Not here, I mean I did see you here, but also,
at the arena, yobbin' it up, putting your fists hard
into people's faces, I saw you.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- So how'd you get those marks on your knuckles?
Accident with an abacus, was it?
Oh, no you don't.
Bell's not gonna save you this time, boy.
I know what I saw,
and I don't have a problem telling this lot
exactly what naughty Nige gets up to after hours.
- Okay, look, maybe I can reconsider that business loan.
- Nah, forget the loan, Nige.
I want something else this time.
- Here he comes, W's News Fame,
the crowd go mental as he rounds the final bend and they--
- Aw, bollocks to it!
- Aw why, what'd you do that for, you mug?
You was home and dry there!
- Sorry boss, it's just, I miss the real thing is all.
Larging it with the lads, singing the songs,
feeling like I'm 'IO foot tall.
» 'Cause you were on anus shudders, you mean.
- Well, yeah, that's part of it,
but it's like I've finally belonged to something.
And now all that's gone.
- I hear ya, and it's always tough the wait between matches.
It feel like forever, but in just a few days time,
we'll be back on that terrace,
giving it large like we never left.
Now, I want you to pick up little Alexis,
and let's get him that victory.
Go on, boy.
- Hang on, a few days?
I thought it was gonna be six months?
- What, you told him to forget the loan?
- Yeah, because we don't need it anymore!
This is our passport to punters!
Oh there he is, look.
Oi oi, Nigel
Oi oi, Nige's crew!
- Oh hi, Jase.
- Who are these turnips?
- Oh, these are good mates of mine.
It's Jason and-- - Marcus!
'Mamas.
Yeah, yeah, they own a bar in town.
- The Crown and Toga, it's a hardcore Blue bar.
- Oh, so you're hardcore, are ya?
- Just a bit, we're proper Blue Army like you guys.
- Blue Army? - He means Blue Legion.
- Blue Legion! - Jase, it's Legion!
- Yeah, Legion! - Listen Nige,
you sure about these two?
Seem like a couple of melts to me.
- Are you calling my mates melts, gaff?
- No, I just mean that--
- I say they're all right.
And if you're saying they're not,
I'm gonna tear your skin off
and wear you like a fucking toga!
- All right, they're all right!
- Yeah, they're all right.
=fl =fl
' [All] Legion!
L€gionl
(ml-amt unmask-a) K wows)
- Yeah! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [All] Legion, Legion!
L€gionl
I ( music)
- Thank you very much.
- [Men] We do, oh, Legion, we love you!
- Again, I'm really sorry.
- Yeah, painting it green worked
an absolute treat, didn't it?
And I thought their mascot was a lion?
- The Green mascot, yeah, but we had a small rebrand.
It turns out the Blues have a far nicer breed
of Chariot fan.
- And then what?
Are we working our way through the colours of the rainbow?
- No, no, we are now blue, through and through.
Actually, we're making so much,
I could maybe spruce up the hood a bit?
You know a few pot plants?
A lantern, maybe?
- Just paint the fucking door, Marcus.
And do a better job this time, it's all streaky, look.
(upbeat music)
- Oh, Nige is like a proper mate now.
I mean, I know I'm blackmailing him,
but he said he's gonna introduce me to his sister.
Apparently she's well fit.
- Shove up, mush.
- Sorry, Nigellus has described his own sister
as well fit?
- Yeah, it's quite weird actually, innit?
- I said shove up, I need the mirror.
- Can you just wait until I'm finished?
- Why are you even doing that, Grumio?
- I've got a race later, Why'd you think?
- Well how can you?
The Greens got knocked out of the cup, remember?
- That were the Chariot Association Cup.
There's still the League Cup, the Fishpaste Cup,
and the Imperial Shield, obviously.
- So, your season's not over at all?
- It's just getting going, son.
And I'll be back down the bar later for some bevvies
with the Army.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on, how's that gonna work?
I'm gonna be at the bar later
with the Legion after our game!
- Well, it's not gonna work, clearly!
Grumio, you have to go to the Army.
Tell 'em to go back to their old pub, The Grapes, was it?
- Like hell I will!
The Crown and Toga is our manor now!
We shall not be moved!
- Well, neither should we!
Not from the bar, nor this mirror!
- Ah, I can't believe you just blued me bloody nose, scum!
- Will you please stop spitting on the floor!
(upbeat music)
- Hm.
Are you sure this is gonna work?
- Yeah.
- 'Cause we could just tell people we're closed.
- Nah, this'll be fine.
Probably.
Hopefully.
- [All] Legion, Legion!
L€gionl
- [All] Greeners, Greeners, Greeners!
- [Men] Legion, Legion!
L€gionl
- Green Army! - Green Army!
- [Men] Green Army!
- Oi, hello there, Nigel
- What the fuck is going on here?
- This is...
We're actually closed today I'm afraid.
- What, are we?
- Yes, 'cause of the drainage problem, remember?
- Well, that would explain why half your bar
is covered in shit.
- There's certainly some shit in here, all right.
You should get a plumber in.
Or maybe pest control.
- What brings you here, Paulus?
You get lost on your way home to Wankerland?
- I am home, Nigel.
So you best round up your little two bob mob
and chip off out of here.
- Or you could all chip off?
- We ain't going nowhere.
This is our manor, and it's blue.
- You must be going colorblind in your old age, you toby.
This manor's green.
- Oh yeah, says who?
- We do.
- Well prove it then!
- Oh yeah, you want some, you toilet?
(men shout)
- No, no, no, guys, guys, QUE/s!
(men shout)
Please stop, stop it, stop!
Let us not descend into violence and hatred!
We are better than that!
Let's just for one magic afternoon,
put our differences aside!
And then join together over our shared love of the sport
and the values of brotherhood and respect
and tolerance it promotes!
Surely, deep down, that is what being a real fan
is all about.
- Nah, sod that.
(men shout) (upbeat music)
- Come here! - You want some?
K W) (mm mm»
- You want some, do ya? - No, no, no, no!
- Come here, clean up! (upbeat music)
- Do it, do it! (men grunt)
- You! - Shit, no!
- Yeah!
Yeah!
- Come on!
=ll =N@fl
' He'll me!
- Nah. (upbeat music)
(91% Wm)
- Come on, you! (men grunt)
K WWW)
- Once again, I am so, so, sorry.
- Yeah, I've kind of had enough of this now, Marcus.
- This, as in the hooligan damage?
Or this, as in me?
'Cause I really want you to be my bird/girlfriend/Woman...
...I've been on a few dates with,
if that particular doofs still open?
- Well, the door is off its hinges now, isn't it?
- So, that's, sort of open?
Surely? - Fine, it's open!
Now get it fixed before I change my mind!
- I will repaint it immediately.
- No, you will buy me a new one, you tight bastard!
- So we're not gonna try and get any Red fans down here,
I take it? - No, no way.
Chariot fans are far too full on.
- That is literally what I said at the beginning.
- You can obviously have all of the Green merch, Grumio.
- No, cheers, I'm out too.
These Chariot mugs talk a good game,
but when you're on the deck being sat on by a bank manager,
you find out who your real mates are.
- So, the theme for our bar can go back
to being sad and empty. - Not quite, look.
- Phoenix, welcome back, old friend!
Glass of water, is it?
- Well I need to use the loo, first, but, yes!
Water would be lovely!
(WWW)
(mm 1)
# Music in me #
(mm 1)
# Hear me #
# I came, I saw, I conquered #
# Can I conquer you #
# gotta believe me #
# I came, I saw, I conquered #
# Can I conquer you, yeah #
# Can I conquer, can I conquer #